Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
