so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
