i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
