are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
