all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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