Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
You left your underwear on the fireplace
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
