she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
