i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
