I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
