I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
