I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
