I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
