Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
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I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
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Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
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