I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
