I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Too much gin, very little bucket
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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