Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
