Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
