When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
