i already hear my dad disowning me
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Randomize
