Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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