I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
