Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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