I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
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