she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
