Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Randomize
