when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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