i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
