Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
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