to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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