Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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