Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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