I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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