Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
