I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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