I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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