I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
