I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Someone signed my nipple.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
