This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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