the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
