Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
