When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
