I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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