i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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