omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
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He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
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Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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