Is it normal to miss your booty call?
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
