its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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