Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
