so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
