My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
