chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
