I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
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