Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
