mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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