Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
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I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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