I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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