i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
