You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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