Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
