It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
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I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
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Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?