she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
you would pick up someone in the library
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
