But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
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I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
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I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.