Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
He is an equal opportunity slut.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
25 People Admit the Worst Things They’ve Done for Good Reasons
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
25 Things All Men Can Definitely Agree On
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven