There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
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