you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
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