Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
