the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
