We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
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